Jessica Turkawski

Across the Universe- The Beatles

For some reason I just feel like writing.

I can’t believe it’s almost June. How does time and life just pass by so quickly? The sun is setting right now and it’s strange to think that in my lifetime there has been over 6,935 sunrises and sunsets. I wonder how many I’ve actually paid attention to…

My life is going great right now. I usually feel this way but today feels somewhat strange. I feel strange because I feel like I know how I want to live but I never do it… I have read books, gone to classes, experienced different things, and I have basically come up with what would make me happy each day if I were to do everything on a specific list. But why can I never do all of those things?

I learned to focus on Now. Not yesterday, not ten years ago, not the past, and not next Friday, or next year, or anything related to the future. I know that I should not be affected by those things, yet my brain constantly goes back to certain events and fast forwards to what it will be like five years from now.

I guess today is strange because I want to scream.

Not out of fear or anxiety or because of happiness.
But because I have had literally know one to tell everything to. To tell my whole little “Jessica’s World” to.

I know I should not post about personal stuff online but oh well. Here it goes and I guess it’s not that big of a deal seeing as how there are over 6.8 billion people in this world.

I can’t stop thinking about my friends. One in particular because I am worried about her and I have not heard from her that much. I also can’t stop thinking about how much I miss everyone and I wish I could know everything going on in their lives. I can’t stop thinking about how much they have grown and how I haven’t been a part of it. I can’t stop thinking about how upset I am for not being there for certain friends at certain times in their lives. I also can’t stop thinking about my family. For some reason my parent’s divorce last summer can never leave my mind. I guess I am kind of scared… I feel like it should not be as big of a deal as I am making it but I am really hurt. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about it because I always feel like my problems are so small compared to everyone else’s. I also can’t stop thinking about a fight my sister and I had (even though she apologized). I wish I could have someone to talk to about that… I can’t stop thinking about how I have no friends my age and no close friends here. My sister said that she thinks everyone believe I think I am awesome because that’s how I act, which confuses me because that’s the last thing I think I am. She said that I think I’m “so Christ-like” which was the most hurtful thing. So I can’t stop thinking about if that is what people think of me. She said I’m “un-relatable” and I need to start being open with people about my flaws because if I never talk about them people will think that I think that I don’t have any. I just can’t open up to people for some reason. I can’t stop thinking about school and applying to UofM. I also can’t stop thinking about how my ex is going there and for some reason that makes me not want to go. I don’t understand why I care because I honestly have not really cared about him at all lately. I also can’t stop thinking about how he has a girlfriend now and his life seems so successful while I am still single and I don’t have my life figured out. I can’t stop thinking about why I give a damn because I honestly don’t but for some reason he keeps popping up in my head so it makes me think for some reason I do care. I also can’t stop thinking about myself (yes, I feel self-absorbed because of this). I can’t stop thinking about my past and how I want to escape from it. I am not the girl I left behind but for some reason I feel like she will always be there.

I have been fantastic but I feel like I’m hitting the wall we all hit sometimes.

I am just realizing how small I am in this huge world, that’s all.

So that’s my rant.

On the other hand, I am good. Besides everything I just went on and on about, I feel like I am doing pretty well. I feel like I am becoming the woman I am supposed to be. I think I let myself go at home… I didn’t respect myself as much as I wish I would have. Being here has made me realize that I am better than I thought I was.

Okay, I’m done now.